Personalised birthday poster “Bloody hell, you’re old” — their age in numbers

The “Bloody hell, you’re old.” poster: their age in months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds, their Mondays, their full moons and everything that didn’t exist when they were born, all worked out from their date of birth (the three estimates are marked “≈”). It is made for 30th, 40th, 50th and 60th birthdays, and also works as a retirement gift. Three tones, from kind to merciless, and three styles.

Because that’s the day the counters stop: a 40th-birthday poster counts up to the day they turn 40, even if you order it two months early, and it prints that date at the top. The page suggests it for you from the date of birth — the next birthday — and you can change it.

Kind, for parents and family; cheeky, teasing but fond; ruthless, for friends who can take it. The tone changes the section headings and the suggested last lines, never the numbers. The joke is always about time passing, never about the person.

From 1 to 110. It’s designed for 30th, 40th, 50th and 60th birthdays, but the maths works for everyone: born before October 2010, you’re older than Instagram; before July 1969, older than the first step on the Moon. The events shown change with the date of birth.

Of course. The English wording is the same for him and for her, so there's nothing to choose, and the numbers never change.

Yes: “Bloody hell” is the title of the poster, a mild oath rather than real swearing, and it’s what gets the laugh when the wrapping comes off. For someone you’d rather not ruffle, the kind tone and the Newspaper style, in italics, take the edge off everything around it.

“Bloody hell, you’re old” in huge letters, then the first name, the date of birth and the birthday they’re celebrating. Below: their age in months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds; what didn’t exist yet when they were born, and how old they were when it arrived; the Mondays, weekends, Christmases and full moons already behind them; three shameless estimates; the next dates worth noting; and a last line to finish.

Yes. They’re calculated date to date, leap years included, midnight to midnight, up to the day of the birthday they’re celebrating, which is printed at the top. Full moons are counted one by one, events are dated to the day and cross-checked, and the population figure comes from the UN. Anything that can only be an estimate — sleep, coffees, heartbeats — is written with its assumption and the ≈ sign.

A4, 30 × 40, 40 × 60, 50 × 70 and 70 × 100 cm: standard frame sizes, easy to find (IKEA, HEMA, Action, Desenio). Optional wooden frame on the A4 and 30 × 40, in black, white or natural, with acrylic glass; the larger sizes ship rolled, to frame at home.

250 g/m² satin matte paper, lightfast pigment inks. Printed to order in our workshop in Aveyron, whatever the size. Shipped rolled, in a sturdy long cardboard box; the A4 travels flat, in a stiff card envelope, and a framed poster in a cardboard box.

Yes. The print-ready file contains all five sizes, each as a PDF and as a 300 dpi PNG — ten files in all, by a download link sent after payment, to print wherever you like.

Printed within 48 hours, then delivered to your home or a pickup point — home delivery only for the 50 × 70 and 70 × 100. The download link for the print-ready file is sent the same day.